We don’t do movie plots. We do pest control. Here are five films you’ll be pleased we had nothing to do with.
Huge and deadly Venezuelan spiders or not, an accomplished pest control expert would’ve sorted out this sleepy town’s problems way before they got serious enough to serve as a feature length film.
Jokes aside though folks, spiders often steal away in shipping containers and travel the world. “Banana spiders” are regularly reported to the authorities by terrified food retailers and shoppers alike. I have seen one myself when working as a teenager in a high street supermarket – boy did I scream.
So could the film actually happen? Not really. The most obvious plot flaw is that those 1000’s of spiderlings wouldn’t have hatched simultaneously; Mummy would never have coped!
Besides all this, Delbert McClintok, Infestation Management, uses outdated techniques and exhibits a reckless lack of awareness when it comes to, as he terms it, “arachnid presence”. Take, for example, this astonishing lack of thoroughness:
Delbert McClintock: Would anyone object if I tore this floor out?
Molly Jennings: I would.
Delbert McClintock: False alarm then. Lead on. There’s no spider here.
WRONG Delbert. Let me say now, if we ever suspect an ‘arachnid presence’, we make sure to investigate fully. Arachnophobia was tagged a ‘thrill-odemy’- but who in their right minds finds pest control funny?
It is possible that spraying those pheromones all over the cabin would have excited the snakes enough to make them attack. The flaw? Snakes kept in the cargo hold of a plane would have gone into hibernation because of the low temperature and the dark.
The other flaw is that cramming that many poisonous snakes together into the hold would NEVER have got past the rigorous animal health and safety checks that are in operation on all commercial flights these days.
Well, that’s what I was going to write… But since the planning stages of this post, I found this story on-line which is kind of scary actually!
Oh, and Neville? Chill. Shouting about all this will just make the snakes even more aggressive. So let’s tone down the language and keep things friendly:
Neville: “Excuse me, but I’m getting rather tired of these pesky snakes interfering with my inflight experiential experience.”
Remy prides himself on his sense of smell and sniffs out poison to save his family. Let’s take Remy as the exception; an evolutionary freak of nature with the tastebuds of Gordon Ramsey.
BUT. How can I put this. We have “LASERS”. Sniff your way out of that. If Remy were to come within shooting distance of these babies he would be gassed to oblivion.
Here would be the corrected dialogue to accompany the possible death scene:
Linguini: What should I do now?
Skinner: Kill it!
Skinner: Yes. Use the “LASERS”
[Linguini kills the rat with lasers. NB. This shot may not be technically accurate. See Radar for more information]
One word: chainsaw. No, not for the birds you daft hitchcockian; for the trees.
Alfred Hitchcock’s shimmering romantic comedy would’ve been a lot more enjoyable without all that pesky squawking, right? If someone with the scantiest of pest management awareness had simply cut down the trees around the farmhouse, the birds would have had nowhere to roost. Whop a few nets and spikes up on ledges and roofs and bish bash bosh: problem solved.
Sebastian Sholes, fisherman in diner: Hell, maybe we’re all getting a little carried away with this. Admittedly a few birds did act strange, but that’s no reason to…
Melanie Daniels: I keep telling you, this isn’t ‘a few birds’! These are gulls, crows, swifts…!
Mrs. Bundy, elderly ornithologist: I have never known birds of different species to flock together. The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn’t stand a chance! How could we possibly hope to fight them?
Samuel Smith, pest control enthusiast: Let’s just nip the problem in the bud. In my experience, if you eliminate places where these pesky critters can roost- say around the barn or the school, they’ll take their business elsewhere and away from Bodega Bay!
An INCREDIBLE film about tele-portation. Potentially.
Unfortunately, the scientific breakthrough this discovery heralds was irrevocably sidetracked when a fly got into the transferral pod. For all scientific or technical industries with labs, the presence of a fly means a big business risk. So why didn’t anyone do a thorough risk assessment prior to starting. Surely, surely, that’s standard operating procedure? Let us offer our personal guarantee that this would never have happened had a certified Rentokil pest controller been on board the project.
If you’ll allow me to introduce Luminos. That fly would’ve been zapped the minute it buzzed its minute form onto the set. Actually having said that, even a simple fly screen across the door to the pod would have helped stopped it get in during the teleportation process!
Problem solved. Now let’s get on with watching a great film about teleportation.
Andre Delambre: [about the cat killed by the transporter] She disintegrated perfectly, but never reappeared.
Helene Delambre: Where’s she gone?
Andre Delambre: Into space… a stream of cat atoms…[sighs and swats at fly]
Andre Delambre: It’d be funny if life weren’t so sacred.
Helene Delambre: Here, use this. Damn fly. [hands Andre a fly spray with which he kills the pest]
I am currently working on my next list of 5 movies we could/would ruin, but am open to suggestion if anyone can come up with a good one…